American comedian (1894-1956)
In the theater the actor had uncertainty, broken promises, constant travel and a gypsy existence. In radio, if you were successful, there was an assured season of work. The show could not close if there was nobody in the balcony. There was no travel and the actor could enjoy a permanent home. There may have been other advantages but I didn't need to know them.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
Father Time is the make-up man responsible for the physical changes that determine the parts the average actor is to play.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado about Me
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations
A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
The world is a grindstone and life is your nose.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
An actor's success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom
It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Portable Curmudgeon
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Make 'Em Laugh: The Funny Business of America
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Concise Columbia Dictionary of Quotations
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, A Speaker's Treasury
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Vaudeville could not vouch for the honesty, the integrity, or the mentality of the individuals who collectively made up the horde the medium embraced. All the human race demands of its members is that they be born. That is all vaudeville demanded. You just had to be born. You could be ignorant and be a star. You could be a moron and be wealthy. The elements that went to make up vaudeville were combed from the jungles, the four corners of the world, the intelligentsia and the subnormal.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado About Me
With the advance of refrigeration, I hope that along with the frozen foods someday we will have frozen conversation. A person will be able to keep a frozen promise indefinitely.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
Jack Benny's so cheap he wouldn't give you the parsley off his fish.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners