funny quotes & quotations
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
YOGI BERRA
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Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.
ANONYMOUS
I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
DEMETRI MARTIN
stand-up routine
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
ANONYMOUS
Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
ANONYMOUS
It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.
JIMMY FALLON
The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018
Life begins at 40--but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.
HELEN ROWLAND
attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
ANONYMOUS
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
MARK TWAIN
editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.
RAY ROMANO
stand-up routine
Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.
HELEN ROWLAND
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
LOUISE BEAL
attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes