HUMOROUS QUOTES III

funny quotes & quotations


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When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

YOGI BERRA
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Tags: Yogi Berra


Hey, train wreck, this isn't your station.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


I think a treehouse is really insensitive. That's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

DEMETRI MARTIN

stand-up routine


I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: anonymous quotes


It's spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever.

JIMMY FALLON

The Tonight Show, March 15, 2018

Tags: Jimmy Fallon


Life begins at 40--but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person three or four times.

HELEN ROWLAND

attributed, The 2,320 Funniest Quotes

Tags: Helen Rowland


Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

ANONYMOUS

Tags: Anonymous quotes


Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?

JIMMY KIMMEL

Jimmy Kimmel Live, October 5, 2017

Tags: Jimmy Kimmel


Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

MARK TWAIN

editorial, Hartford Courant, Aug. 24, 1897

Tags: Mark Twain


For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to say married, get two.

RAY ROMANO

stand-up routine

Tags: Ray Romano


Falling in love consists merely in uncorking the imagination and bottling the common sense.

HELEN ROWLAND

Tags: Helen Rowland


Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.

LOUISE BEAL

attributed, The Little Book of Humorous Quotes